Thursday, January 17, 2008

West Virginia: Get a Life!

Dear West Virginia University:

I understand how painful it is to lose someone you love, to somebody better. But that's life. It's really unhealthy for you to continue to act like this: part unhinged lunatic, part conniving slimebag.

So my advice to you is: Stop it!

Is it really necessary for you to keep smearing the good name of Rich Rodriguez? After what he's done for you over the past seven years? Before he arrived, your school is as well known as Trinity College and University (and probably just as prestigious). Now the football program is a powerhouse; and by extension, people are beginning to know where you're located -- even Miss Teen South Carolina can find Morgantown on a map!

I know you're bitter and angry. But please, think about this for a second. Can you really blame him?

The University of Michigan is one of the finest research universities in the world. We produce statesmen, Nobel laureates, scientists, poets, playwrights, astronauts and Tom Brady. West Virginia University, has, well, Barney Fife.

Rodriguez is actually one of your very distinguished alumnus. He's one of your own. Someday he'll retire. And wouldn't you want to brag that he's a favorite son who's done good away from home?

But no, you must destroy him like a jilted lover. OK, so you sue him pre-emptively for fear of him skipping out on that $4 million buyout. It's very small-minded and small-time. But fine, have it your way.

That wasn't enough, though. You have to drag his name through mud. And of course, you can count on Pravda, uh, Charleston Daily Mail, to serve as your mouthpiece.

First, it was that he destroyed ALL the files on all the players. Gosh, at first we were pretty panicked because we didn't know if y'all actually had computers there. But after thinking it over, this was beyond absurd. He got rid of all the junk paperwork left in his old office. This is news?

Then, it was that he MADE PHONE CALLS! From YOUR PHONE! And you tried to insinuate that this was an NCAA violation! If you have a compliance office down there (no sure thing, but we'll give you the benefit of the doubt), you'll know that phone calls are allowed during "dead periods." And if those three calls costs you $1.25, I'll mail you a check. The one with the big Block M on the envelope. It's in the mail.

What am I gonna read in the Daily Mail tomorrow? Rodriguez took two rolls of toilet paper from his bathroom? Paper clips? Post-Its?

The way this is going, you'd better hope that Bill Stewart will stay forever. Because when he goes 4-8 his third season and you want to get rid of him, the good prospects out there will be hesitant. They'll remember how you did Rodriguez and probably want to stay away from the hillbillies with pitchforks.

I know, you're also mad at us and try to get even. I know, we already took your basketball coach and you're tired of being bitch-slapped again. This is your juvenile attempt to make us look bad because you're upset.

But that's life. Life is about a lot of things, one of them is knowing your place. All of us aspire to be great. But only some of us are important and special. Some of us end up meter maids. Sometimes you just have to accept that you're Michigan State. It sucks, but deal with it.

In closing, I just want to offer you this -- we won't take any more of your coaches, if you leave our coach alone.

Sorry to be so condescending. We can't help it. We are Michigan. You're not.


Mary Sue Coleman
University of Michigan

No comments: